I had a freak out moment and threw a puzzle to the ground.
Information was coming, and I can be an "impossible-to-please" kind of girl. The part of me that doesn’t want to know because it means being forced to deal with the unknown wrestles with the side of me that does because then I can take on what is.
I didn’t know what to do and I most certainly couldn’t sleep.
Take it out on a puzzle.
I went to the closet and reviewed our puzzle options. I’m the mom of three young girls so I was limited to a smattering of princesses or a couple varieties of Noah’s Ark. A God puzzle seemed most fitting.
I watched the pieces fall. Bounce. Break. Separate. The pent-up emotion within met its match in the crazy release.
“What are you doing?,” my husband questioned, looking at me like I just punched a one-way ticket to crazy town.
“Do you remember Pastor Sami’s Kid Talk?”
My hands busily flipped the pieces.
I’m normally a very put together person that handles things methodically. I’m pretty sure my appearance on the floor in my robe encircled by a kid puzzle threw him for the loop.
It was months ago when she sat herself on the church floor with the children and spoke of things falling apart, but it was a significant day for me. As the littlest Jesus-lovers helped her put the puzzle back in place, she reminded them that no matter how many times life falls apart we’re never alone.
I’m just a grown up kid who still needs the same teaching.
“God makes me whole.”
My man no longer felt need to ask me questions or try and reason. He just joined me on the floor.
We worked mostly in silence. Our fingers pressing into place the pieces, with occasional laughter in the moments Charlie tried to force placement to shorten time spent on a kid puzzle without a child in plain sight.
He’s a good sport and when my young self said, “I do,” I had no idea how rich life would turn out to be with him by my side.
I looked at the completed product and ran my fingers along the grooves. Knowledge can tell me that I have nothing to fear in the hands of my God but getting the heart to follow is a whole nother ball of wax. The rainbow – Promise – hit me hard. My mind a mess of questions beginning before the previous thought complete. “God, just help me breathe,” slipped audibly from my mouth.
I was stripped to my weakest.... and spiritually the strongest.
Maybe you are struggling with something today. Maybe you’re like me and you just want to break but all your life you’ve believed that would show lack of self-control and make mockery of the faith you profess. Or someone will judge your mental stability :)
Don’t knock the growth potential of a freak out moment, friends. Don’t confuse your bad days with lack of belief. It’s on those days -in your most broken moments - that you give God room to breathe. Where you let go of the image of who you want to be in favor of who you really are to give your faith a pulse. You’re operating in the Lord’s strength rather than your own, and only then that you can be restored.
At my wits end God revived me through the visual of a kid puzzle. I'm here. I'm working. And, I placed it back in the closet with the same circumstance but new perspective.
Had enough? Take it out on a puzzle. It’s worth looking a little crazy :)
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