My hubby and I moved into our home a year after we got married. He told our apartment landlord that we were moving out and the search was on. It was the most opinionated I’ve seen him on anything besides our dog not wearing clothes.
We found our house on the Parade of Homes. A new construction with only one house nearby. It felt huge to us and perfectly right. The location lent itself to walks to the library and pool and school for children we were already praying for. The newness of the area felt symbolic of dreams to come. Everything around us was new.
The first time we walked into our house the carpet was perfectly white, covered by a fine layer of plastic despite the sign to take shoes off upon entering. I sat down in the middle of the living room and imagined my life. Where things would go. What colors I would splash on the wall to represent our style and the splash we might make on the world.
Everything was perfectly planned.
Doctor. Mom of two by the time I’m 30. Super easy groceries so I don’t seriously burn my arm again making complex delicacies like frozen pizza. I think we can all agree my ability to cook is solid proof miracles happen.
I was standing in the kitchen when the MCAT scores arrived and I honestly felt like I could hear God saying, “This isn’t for you.” I was on the living room floor pasting cards into a scrapbook to process the pain of losing a baby we wouldn’t get to meet. Years later I'd finally see a second line on a pregnancy test in the bathroom. I was at the counter when the doctor’s office called and said to come for an ultrasound. I was with my mom in the spare bedroom painting pastel when I realized what a miracle God performed in me. I’d be blessed to do the same with baby number two and three. Thank you, Jesus. I kissed my husband in the driveway when my first published book arrived with my name on the cover. I peered through the front windows when I saw him leave hand in hand for All Pro Dad. I watched him get excited about a revolving tie rack in our bedroom because he’d get to wear a suit every day to his new job. He’d eye me moving with our girls to prep self-designed dance classes to build families up. He’d stand in the entry way with a pink leather bag “for PTA” and we'd both laugh because it was the last thing he thought he'd ever say to me. We’d hang a picture of the sanctuary we said, “I do” in at the end of the hallway together. We’d spread a blanket across the family room floor every Friday night for family movie night & routinely end it with a family dance party during the credits. We’d all write daily thanks on the table cloth.
Life happened here.
Dreams. Tears. Joy. Struggle. Wrestling….
With a God who was teaching me becoming.
These weeks have been quieter on the blog because we laid new dreams. For so many years I wanted wood flooring. It was 2012 when I posted, “If You Ever Feel Too Damaged to be Made ‘Good.’” The carpet was shot then. You can imagine what it was today.
The packing started. In Griswold fashion, we placed a tarp on the kitchen appliances and bungeed them to the deck. My hubby, father-in-law and stepfather moved furniture into the garage. My mom Murphy Oiled things to shine like new. My mother-in-law packed the china dishes gifted to us the day Charlie and I said yes to life together from the hutch.
A mess ensued and we once again sat in the middle of the living room floor. And it felt a little déjà vu-ish.
What I thought life was about.
What I’ve learned it is.
I love our new wood floors. They’re beautiful and as I type this I occasionally glance down to absorb their beauty. But more than that, I smile upward at a God who has taught me to breathe. Who has taught me that I don’t need to open the door with a known plan. For if I do, I dare say I’m shutting Him out.
In the laying down there is life.
There is space to discover in all the rooms of life we find ourselves sitting in who He created us to be. To become beautifully His and splash something meaningful on the world around us. Kingdom work we can't always foresee or even imagine.
Listen and follow His lead, friends. As I think about my dreams and life now, I’ve come to find out God’s script is pretty great.
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